


and i'll wish, on that starry sky

by mulkki



Category: TsukiPro the Animation, ツキプロ。 | Tsukipro.
Genre: First Love, Gen, M/M, Onesided Love, Quell, Quell (Tsukipro) - Freeform, Tsukipro, you live and you learn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-18
Updated: 2017-09-18
Packaged: 2018-12-31 01:56:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12122025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mulkki/pseuds/mulkki
Summary: Shu faces him, hands clasped neatly in front of him, eye-to-eye and sincere. Briefly, Issei’s mind flashes back to when they first met: when he took them in from the streets, when he guided them through the newness of this world, when he taught them how to perform--and Shu has always been kind, and dependable, and nevereverwrong.“Okay,” He nods.





	and i'll wish, on that starry sky

**Author's Note:**

> dont mind me tagging under Tsukiuta again, I'll remove once Tsukipro stops being an uncategorized tag, whenever that may be, how do tags even work

“...Ichiru?”

Ichiru turns, rolling onto his side. “Hm? What’s wrong, Issei?”

“...Your solo.” Issei hugs his pillow, leaning against the headboard of his bed. “I wanted to ask, how was it?”

Ichiru _hmms_ , propping himself up on his elbow. “Well, it… there was a lot, for sure. Like, it was pretty fun! It was a challenge, though, at times… Shu almost considered lowering the high notes in the chorus, but.” He grins. “I showed him. You should’ve seen the look on his face.”

Issei cracks a smile at that--Ichiru is beaming at his accomplishments, face radiant, and Issei feels his own heart beaming as if it were his own.

Ichiru frowns, suddenly. “Could’ve done without being lumped together with Tsubasa, though. _Ugh._ ” He flops back onto his belly, sinking into his pillow. “Why him. Of all people, _why._ ”

“You did good, though. I liked your solo.”

“Really?!”

“Really.”

“Yes!” Ichiru pumps a fist and smiles, wide and with all his teeth, and Issei’s mind briefly notes how he gets to see him smile so much more nowadays. It tugs at his heart, in a good way. “I’m glad you liked it, I’m so happy to hear that! I mean, of course I’d do a good job, but still! If you liked it, Issei, then that’s all that matters.” Ichiru chuckles, sheepish. “Anyways, what’s up? Why’d you wanna ask about my solo?”

“Hmm, I just wanted to know what it was like for you… I guess.” He sinks into the blankets, rustling with each move--it’s so loud, and he wills himself to be quieter. “My solo’s coming up.”

“Oh! That’s right!” Ichiru sits up, kicking the blankets away in a fuss as he grabs the calendar on the side table. A blue circle marks a date later in the month, and a little doodle of a squirrel points to it--Eichi’s neat writing marks “Issei’s turn!” in the square.

He snuggles back down to where Issei has sunk himself in the blankets, rustling close until their foreheads touch. And just like that it’s back to old times again, back when they always kept close, sustaining each other’s warmth. “Your solo, huh…” Ichiru grins at him. “I can’t wait to hear it! You’ll be great, I’m sure of it.”

Issei feels Ichiru’s hands wrap around his own, and the warmth anchors him. He nods. “Thanks, Ichiru. I’ll do my best.”

 

\--------

 

“Good morning, Issei.”

“Shu.” He rubs his eyes--Shu is already at the common room table, coffee in hand and going over his daily papers. “Morning.”

“Morning, Issei!” Eichi joins Shu at the table, plate of toast and mug in hand. “Oh, Icchi isn’t with you? That’s rare--” A smile breaks across his face. “--Ah, are you getting better at waking up on your own now?”

“Ichiru woke me up before heading to dance practice.”

“Ah, so that’s what it was.” Eichi ruffles his hair, warm hands gentle and familiar now. “One day, one day.” He pauses, humming slightly as he muses. “Huh, did Icchi have practice scheduled today?”

“He said something about Tsubasa and picking a fight.”

Eichi laughs--partly weary, mostly affectionate. “It sounds like him. Like them, actually.” He slides over a second plate of toast he’d prepared in the meanwhile, piping hot. “Do you want any jam?”

Breakfast passes peacefully--Eichi’s chatter fills the air, punctuated by Shu, and sometimes Issei’s, responses. _It’s warm_ , he thinks, as he sits clutching his mug and watching the scene: Eichi leans over Shu’s shoulder, reading something he points out in the papers, and the morning light through the windows catch against the pen in Shu’s hand as it makes careful memos along their day’s schedule. He sinks in his seat, leaning back and idly gazing in sleepy comfort; the sunlight catches Shu’s earring, winking at him, echoing the twinkle in Shu’s eyes as he talks to Eichi about their next album plans.

“Issei.” Shu’s voice lifts him out of the lull; he opens his eyes, blinking until Shu and Eichi come back into focus.

Eichi chuckles. “Still a regular sleepyhead in the mornings, aren’t you, Issei?”

Issei rubs at his eyes. “Mm. Sorry--what were you saying?”

Shu laughs, gentle and soft. “It’s fine; I thought we could start talking about your solo today. I have some ideas started already, but I thought I’d ask you to join me in observing the creative process from early on this time. I know you have an interest in music and production, so I thought this might be a good way for you to learn about the behind-the-scenes processes.”

“Huh?” Issei sits up, suddenly awake.

“Do you want to try it?”

Issei’s mind slows, his hands still clutching his mug. Slowly the wheels turn and his heart flutters a little as the news hits.

Shu goes on, shuffling his papers through Issei’s silence. “It’ll be a lot of working in the studio with me, if you don’t mind, and plenty of meetings with musicians, engineers, and other staff we’ll be working with. You’ve met a number of them already from our previous songs, which is why I think it’ll be a good chance: it’ll be a fairly supportive environment for you to start learning.”

Eichi peeks in at the papers. “Ah! Issei, you know the guitarist! Didn’t he teach you some stuff the other day? You know, at our last unit studio session.” He slides over the paper, pointing out the staff list. “This person, here--Ichinose-san--Tsukino Pro works with him a lot! I saw him on staff pretty often for Uzuki-kun’s productions.”

“Hmm, really? Ah, that’s right--Issei, you’ve been learning guitar lately, haven’t you?” Shu hums, pen hovering in the air as he ponders. It floats dangerously over his cup. “How’s it been going so far?”

“Good,” Issei replies, taking a sip from his mug. “I think.” He thinks for a second, then slowly adds. “Ichinose-san said my grasp of the basic scales were pretty good, my chords have gotten a lot better, and he also gave me more complex scales to practice.” He pauses, thinking about what else. “Oh, he did say to work more on intervals.”

“Issei! That’s great!” Eichi beams at him--he can practically see flowers bouncing off of him. He reaches over to ruffle his hair again. “You’re such a quick learner, honestly, you always make me so proud! Right, Shu?”

Shu laughs and smiles at Issei, too. And for some reason Shu’s smiles, unlike Eichi’s, always reach and take hold _deep_ in his heart--they wrap themselves around in a gentle embrace, slowly tightening around his chest until Issei feels the tightness rise to his throat. They make him feel warm.

Shu always smiles; this is nothing new. He’s pleasant and respectful to everyone, professional in his artist duties, and always kind to the people around him. But every now and then his smile reaches deeper, shows a little more genuine, and Issei can tell because his eyes crinkle at the corners and his eyebrows slope and he can see faint laugh lines. It’s enough to make him want to freeze those moments when they happen, tuck those moments away in his heart like photographs.

For a moment, he lets himself feel quietly happy--happy for being the reason Shu has smiled like this today, in this warm morning moment.

Shu just continues to nod at them both. “Mhm. You’ve come a long way, Issei, I’m glad.” Issei can feel the warmth extending from his ears to his toes, while Shu continues. “Actually, I’ve been considering another thing, too...but now, I think we should try it. Issei, instead of just observing, do you want to participate a little more actively in this song?”

“Hm?”

“Why don’t you participate as a band member?”

The word escapes Issei’s mouth before his mind catches up. “Huh?”

Shu chuckles. “Sorry, sorry--it _is_ a bit sudden to ask. But I think it’d be a great collaboration, and you’d get to learn more about the song production process beyond your position as the vocalist. And most of all, practical experience helps one grow and improve in any discipline of music.”

Issei’s mind spins: it’s yet another thing to process, on top of the initial suggestion. He barely manages to breath out, “oh.”

“Hmm, that’d definitely be interesting!” Eichi’s smile grows wider. “Issei, I think you should try it, it’ll be fun! And I think you’ll do really well. You always practice so hard, and this is another interesting side of you that I think fans will enjoy seeing.”

“I think so, too.” Shu faces him, hands clasped neatly in front of him, eye-to-eye and sincere. Briefly, Issei’s mind flashes back to when they first met: when he took them in from the streets, when he guided them through the newness of this world, when he taught them how to perform--and Shu has always been kind, and dependable, and never _ever_ wrong.

Issei nods. “Okay.”

Shu smiles _that_ smile again and Issei thinks, as his heart spins, he wouldn’t mind learning production, or playing the guitar, or talking to every staff member ever for him.

 

\--------

 

“...And that’ll be the general vibe of the piece. This is our proposal for the direction of this single, as well as a list of staff I’d like to enlist…”

Shu’s voice continues, occasionally punctuated by Shiki’s _mhms_ and other staff members’ comments. Their first meeting is a joint one with SolidS, and Issei quietly glances around the room as the two producer-leaders throw ideas out, immersed in their discussion. There aren’t a whole lot of people he knows: he does recognize Rikka, nodding along next to Shiki, interjecting here and there on styling and art direction points. Haizuki is there, too, sitting close by and taking notes and arranging schedules.

“...Kuga Issei?” Someone calls his name--it’s Shiki, he realizes, and Issei looks up to answer him. Shiki isn’t looking at him, though; instead he’s facing Shu, Issei’s name a question aimed at him.

Shu smiles at him, a sort of oddly amused look on his face. “Yeah. I thought it’d be interesting to have Issei participate as a band member. And he agreed to it.” There’s a twinkle in his eye Issei isn’t quite sure how to place.

Shiki nods. “Interesting, indeed.” His eyes glance over to Issei, and Issei stills in his seat, not sure if he should move while under Shiki’s scrutiny.

Shu goes on. “He’s always been a quick learner, and has been trying his hand at guitar lately. I think the practical experience can help him grow even further.” He turns to look at Issei, eyes softening. Issei hopes desperately that no one can hear how loud his heart just beat at the casual compliment. “He’s also got quite a bit of interest in music production, and I thought it’d be a good chance for him to learn.” He adds a smile. “Right?” Issei finds himself numbly nodding in reply, in beat to his heart.

“Hmm. I noticed he--and his brother--had good vocal ranges from your first few releases. And he has an aptitude to learn… you picked up good members, Shu.”

“ _‘Picked up’_ \--Shiki, please,” Rikka chides gently, elbowing him softly in the shoulder. “Your phrasing.”

“It’s okay, Rikka.” Shu just laughs, nodding along. “I think we’re all more or less used to Shiki here, by now.” He smiles again at Issei. “And yes, I did find some great members.”

“Technically, you did pick us up,” Issei adds, nodding again at Shu. “At least, from what I remember... and what Ichiru told me.” He frowns, trying to recall. “I was mostly unconscious then.”

“W-wait, what?” Rikka pales a little, smile faltering just a bit. “Sh--”

“--so you swooped in and snapped up these two, hmm. Sharp as ever, Shu.”

“I did.” He turns back, meeting Shiki face-to-face. “I had a feeling you’d recognize their talents, too. And no, you can’t have them.”

Shiki makes a noncommittal grunt. “Never asked.”

“No, but we all know how greedy you get when it comes to talents.” Shu leans back, gaze casually observing Shiki across from him. “Hmm... I seem to recall a certain ‘Shii-chan’ getting in trouble with the President over driving his label crazy with his demands.”

Shiki makes a short, subdued noise--it could’ve been a cough or a choke, Issei can’t tell. He straightens up and clears his throat, face remaining passive through the whole ordeal. “Don’t call me that.”

“Haha! Fair, I suppose only the President is allowed to call you that and get away with it.”

“Okay, okay.” Haizuki cuts in, clapping his agenda book shut. “Shu, let’s return to the conversation. To recap on my end: I’ve got Rikka’s meetings with the art director set up, and I’ve scheduled in Issei as a part of your production meetings for now. Anything else?” He turns to Shiki. “And anything on your end,” he smiles, “‘Shii-chan’?”

Shiki exhales and closes his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose as Shu laughs with Haizuki. Issei also catches Rikka quickly collecting his papers, making a show of tidying them but all the while ducking behind the pile to hide his smile.

Ah. The twinkle in Shu’s eyes makes sense now.

 

Later as they walk out, headed back to their dorms, Issei turns to Shu. “Shu, were you always like that with Shiki-san?”

Shu hums slightly, looking off in the distance. “I suppose… It didn’t start like that, but over time it just came naturally. He has the kind of personality you want to tease a bit, you know?”

Issei nods along. “Shu, you can be surprisingly mean.”

“Is it a surprise? Me being mean, that is.”

Issei nods, and to that Shu laughs out loud, again.

“Don’t worry, I reserve that for Shiki. You could call it, hmm... a unique form of affection for him, I suppose? And he does let me get away with it, which I consider a sign of our friendship.” He looks at Issei, with that same amused twinkle in his eyes. “Though sometimes I just can’t help myself. And I think the others not-so-secretly get a kick out of it.” He shrugs, looking off into the distance. “Anyways: how do you feel about the upcoming solo project?”

“Hm, I’m not sure yet.” Issei pauses in his steps, thinking as he tries to pull the right words together. “I might be a little nervous… I think. I don’t know what to expect. And,” Issei hesitates, unsure of the thoughts swirling inside him: it’s all sort of a tangle, ribbons of thought yet unsorted, something like an ocean of dim shapes and spots of light twinkling inbetween. “I think… I think I might be looking forward to it. A little.”

Shu stops, too, and turns to face Issei. “Don’t worry, about being unsure, or about being nervous, or anything like that. Music--and really, _any_ creative process--is one of those things you come to better understand when you experience it first-hand, and meet it honestly with your own self.” His hand finds its way to Issei’s head, warm and gentle, and Issei leans into it unconsciously. “I’m honestly looking forward to this project. I think you’ll do great, and I’m excited to produce a song that shows off your talents to the world.” He gives Issei another pat on the head, and as Issei figures out how to unstick his feet from the floor Shu has already started to turn and walk ahead. “And maybe to knock Shiki down a peg. But don’t tell the others.”

Issei feels himself smiling at Shu’s back, falling in step with him. “I won’t.”

 

\--------

 

It happens the night after their first meeting.

It goes smoothly. Shu introduces Issei to the other musicians: as a fellow band member, and not just the vocalist. Ichinose-san is there, a familiar face who nods a quiet approval at the progress Issei has made on his intervals. He meets the bassist, the drummer, and sees Shu also slip in: eyes shining as he takes a seat at a keyboard and immerses himself in the music, exchanging rapid-fire ideas and measures with his fellow musicians. It’s interesting to see this side of Shu, and Issei entertains the thought of getting a camera when he gets a chance.

They run through the song a few times, just learning to match each other and getting used to hearing the song in one piece--the demo track plays in Issei’s ear, but soon he learns to ignore it and grow more used to playing with the accompaniment of others. His knowledge of the song evolves beyond the tinny sounds of the simplified demo to the full vibrations of the members’ instruments, and Issei can hear Shu gently humming along, improvising vocal melodies and harmonies as the band plays. And it’s just as Shu said: the band members have years of experience, and it makes for a stable environment for him to test his fledgling skills and learn to walk. It’s hard to keep up at times, especially when Shu starts rearranging or suggesting other lines and chords, and as the rest of the band smoothly switches to playing different phrases Issei does his best to absorb and keep up with all that happens. It’s exhausting, it’s disorienting, maybe a little frustrating at times. But it’s all _exhilarating_.

As they head home, Shu asks. “What did you think about today?”

Issei can barely lift his head from where he leans against the car window. “It was... tiring.”

Shu makes an amused sort of hum. “That’s to be expected. We did play for a fairly long time, and I had a lot of ideas come to me--sorry, Issei, that must have been exhausting.”

“It’s okay, Shu.” Issei shakes his head. “...It was fun. I’m glad I did this.”

Shu’s eyes widen, briefly, before settling into a soft gaze. “Really?” He chuckles. “Well, I’m glad to hear that--I did say I wanted you to gain experience, but I also want you to enjoy it, and have fun. And,” He reaches over, patting Issei’s head. “You did very well today. You did your best to keep up with professional musicians today, and I’m proud of the effort you put in.”

The smile Shu gives him is beaming. Exhaustion has clouded his thoughts but the smile cuts through, making one thing now crystal-clear: Issei is glad he’s here. And Shu’s here. He’s glad that he’s a part of Quell, that he believed in Shu, that he stayed through the exhaustion and noise of Tokyo, and singing lessons, and squabbling rival members. That this uncertain chance they took in a strange hotel room has brought them here. Him, here. With Shu.

The car arrives at their dorm, and Issei loosely remembers drifting upstairs past the others and falling into his bed, face down. As he drifts off to sleep, he hears Eichi ask about dinner, and Shu’s soft voice reassuring him, and telling him to let Issei rest, he’s had a long day…

 

* * *

...Issei’s eyes drift open to darkness, and it takes a few seconds and a couple slow blinks to realize he’s staring up at his ceiling. Ichiru isn’t there next to him, either. His throat is dry, and he feels rather warm--he peels off the blanket tucked around him, and slowly gets up and feels his way to the door, blinking away the drowsiness.

His feet softly pad through the hallway, soundless as he finds his way to the kitchen for a glass of water. He stops, suddenly, when he sees a dim light in the living room and the whisper of a low, familiar voice speaking his name.

“Well, no wonder Issei just knocked out like that once you got home--really, Shu, having him do so much at his first meeting!” Eichi’s soft voice chides, and Shu’s voice rumbles low in laughter.

“True, true. I did get a little ambitious.” Shu is on the sofa, comfortably sunken into the soft depths. Eichi appears, two mugs in hand, and he settles down next to Shu. “Oh, thanks.”

“No problem,” Eichi replies, automatic.

They both sip quietly at their tea, and Shu slowly leans in against Eichi. His usual good posture is gone, replaced with a careless drape against the stability of Eichi’s shoulder.

Eichi just smiles fondly down at him. “I remember the days you used to be up all night, always sneaking in projects and experiments in what little spare time you had--not to mention texting me at odd hours to ask my opinion on your samples. Now look at you these days, you’re like a kid who spends all day playing and then falls asleep clutching his favorite toys.”

“What can I say? It’s fun. And rewarding.” Shu takes another sip, and sets his mug down in front of him. “As much as I tease Shiki, I see where he was coming from... and why he chose this path. There’s something about making music of your own, and the joy of working with people you don’t have to sacrifice your ideas over. Letting the music inside you take form freely, and producing something true to yourself, it...” He exhales, sinking deeper into the couch. “It feels good, Eichi. It’s a blessing.” He lets his head loll onto the crook of Eichi’s shoulder. “I’m glad things turned out this way--that Quell happened.” His hand reaches over, lacing their fingers together. “I really have to thank you.”

Eichi sets his mug down, giving Shu an indulgent smile. “For what?”

“For listening to me, agreeing to this crazy idea, _staying_ \--among other things.”

“Like raising kids together?”

“That, too.”

Eichi laughs. “Well! You did propose to me, in a way.”

“‘In a way’? I was _very_ serious.” Shu’s voice drops, then, into a husky whisper against Eichi’s ear. “Should I propose again, just so we’re clear?”

They sit there, staring--barely a second passes until they break into silent laughter, shaking as they stifle their noise against each other. The tension in Shu’s shoulders is all gone as he nestles comfortably against Eichi’s side, and Eichi’s head droops near Shu’s, foreheads meeting as their still-laughing faces mirror each other.

“You’re ridiculous,” breathes Eichi, inbetween fits of giggles.

Shu’s fingers reach up to tangle in Eichi’s curls. “You love it.”

“I do.” Eichi’s hand reaches up and meets Shu’s, holding it in place against his cheek. “Unfortunately.”

“‘Unfortunately’? I guess I’ll have to make up for that.” Shu draws him in, and--

\--Issei sees, in that brief gap between that and the kiss, a smile. Stronger, _purer_ , and clearly reserved entirely for Eichi and Eichi alone. His smile, Eichi’s soft flush, the gentle intimacy borne of their proximity as they kiss--it’s all _warm_. It should be. It probably is.

Instead Issei feels himself silently step back into the dark, a weight in his chest tugging him backwards like a ghost until he’s back at his empty bed.

He wraps himself in blankets to stave off the cold.

 

\---------

 

“Issei?” A hand waves in front of his face. “Are you awake? Are you okay?”

He blinks--Eichi is staring at him in concern, hand paused over Issei’s nose. He blinks a few more times to chase away the grogginess, and as his eyes focus he notices his mug in Eichi’s other hand. “Mm?” is all he manages to get out.

Eichi hands him his mug, steaming with fresh-steeped tea. “You look a little pale… yesterday must’ve been really exhausting, you knocked out as soon as you got back last night.” He places a tentative hand against Issei’s forehead, checking his temperature. “Hmm, you don’t have a temperature… did you sleep okay, though? Maybe there was a draft, maybe someone left the window open and forgot to close it, hmm...”

Last night’s memories come rushing back, and Issei barely manages to not drop his mug--luckily, Eichi is still muttering possible scenarios and busying himself with this morning’s breakfast to notice. “Are you okay with toast and jam? If you’re feeling unwell, I can make you something else.”

Issei shakes his head--maybe a little too hard--in reply. “I’m fine.”

“Hmm, if you say so… but let me know as soon as you feel off. Don’t hold back, okay?” His voice is full of warmth and kindness as usual, like everyday Eichi. _Like last night_ , his mind supplies unhelpfully. He tries to shake the thoughts away, just as Eichi places a plate in front of him along with a jar of jam; Issei’s widen slightly as he notices it’s--

“--Your favorite! I found some at the supermarket at a discount the other day, so I stocked up a bit. Now seems like a good time to break it out, don’t you think?”

Issei ducks his head, staring at the plate of toast, the steaming mug, his favorite jam. He reaches for the jam and a knife, and focuses on opening the jar. Anything to not meet Eichi’s eyes. “Thanks, Eichi.” The heat rising in his face isn’t the good kind.

“Aw, no problem, Issei!” He ruffles Issei’s hair, and beyond his arm Issei can see him beaming. “Eat up, okay? You have to eat to regain your strength.”

Issei obediently takes up a slice, spreading jam on it. It’s delicious, and as he eats he distinctly feels Eichi smiling at him with his usual affection. It’s odd, though--he can’t explain it, but it feels _heavy_. Like he’s the one being smothered in jam, and not the slice of bread growing cold in his hands. This is no different from their usual mornings, their usual warm breakfasts in gentle morning sunlight streaming in from the window. At least, it shouldn’t be.

“Ah, Shu! Good morning!” His name jolts Issei out of his thoughts, and Eichi gets up to prepare another plate as Shu walks in and joins Issei at the table. “You’re up late today--ah, did you not sleep well, either?” Eichi’s brows knit, hands pausing as his eyes follow Shu in worry. “First Issei, and now you? I wonder if there’s something going around?”

Shu laughs, waving his hand. “No, no--I just had some ideas come to me last night, and had to get them down before they escaped. Don’t worry, I only overslept a little.” He sits down, opening his schedule book. “I figured it’d be fine, since we don’t have anything scheduled until later today. Now what was that about Issei?” He turns to Issei. “Are you feeling okay?”

Issei takes up his tea, willing his voice to unstick in the time it takes to sip at it. “I’m okay,” he manages to get out. “Really.”

“Hmm. We can reschedule your voice lesson today if you’re not feeling well, Issei.” Shu’s hand is already reaching for his phone, and Issei can’t stop himself from looking at him. He shouldn’t have--the concern in Shu’s eyes stabs at him. “Don’t hold back, your health is important.”

“Mm.” Issei shakes his head, and motions to the food in front of him. “I’m fine, really. I think breakfast is helping.”

Eichi’s shoulders droop with a sigh, and he’s soon at Shu’s side to set down plate and steaming mug. “If you both say so--honestly, both of you worry me. At least Icchi is healthy and brimming with energy all the time, but you two?” He places a hand on Shu’s shoulder, shaking his head. “Issei is always holding back and bearing things on his own, and Shu here--” He squeezes Shu’s shoulder. “--is just an old man who can’t stop being married to his work.”

It’s now that Issei notices, for the first time, the little details of that everyday action: the gentle squeeze, the lingering for longer than strictly necessary, and the affection hidden in the admonishing look he gives Shu. And of course, Shu’s answering gaze also has new secrets to reveal: they’re in the soft crinkle around his eyes as he looks up, in the answering hand that rests lightly on Eichi’s, and in the way their smiles mirror each other before the enchantment breaks and they’re back to business around the table as usual.

Issei brings his mug up to his face, taking prolonged little sips to hide behind the wafting steam as they discuss the day’s plans. He watches them sit shoulder to shoulder, interspersed with looking at each other in quiet laughter. Now that he knows, every little sign between them is obvious now.

He forces himself to clear his plate--he hates wasting food, after all. And when he excuses himself from the table to get ready for the day he feels the weight of toast and sweet jam in his stomach, shifting as he moves, weighing him down during each step.

 

\--------

 

There’s a soft knock on his door, followed by Eichi’s muffled voice. “Issei? Are you there?”

Issei puts his book aside, but before he can voice “yes” Eichi seems to read his mind anyways and opens the door.

“Oh, good, you’re still up.” Eichi steps in, quietly closing the door behind him. “Getting settled in bed early tonight? How are you feeling?”

Issei nods at him. “I’m fine.”

“That’s good, that’s good,” Eichi sighs in relief. “You said you were okay this morning, but I just wanted to check in case anything had developed. You had your voice lesson earlier this afternoon, right? How was it?”

Issei sits up in bed, propping himself up against the headboard. To be honest, most of the day is a blur. “Hmm, I’m not sure.” He pauses, before carefully adding. “I think there’s some stuff I don’t quite understand yet.”

“Hmm, something you don’t understand?” Eichi rubs at his chin, looking thoughtful. “That’s unusual, you’re usually such a quick learner.” He sits at the side of his bed. “Ah, hm... I know I might not be as helpful as Shu, especially in terms of music, but if there’s any way I can help let me know! Maybe we can figure something out together.” He leans in then, conspiratorial glint in his eyes. “Or... if you just want to complain about Shu’s super-strict producer mode, I promise I won’t tell him.” The grin Eichi gives him is typical Eichi. It aches in a new way, though, and Issei swallows thickly at it.

“Eichi.”

“Hm?”

“You’re always so nice.”

He laughs, cheeks faintly pink. “Aw, Issei, what’s up with you today? You’re making me blush.” He rubs the back of his neck. “Well, I’m glad you think so… I like being relied on, so it makes me happy to hear that from you--I know I can get to be a bit of a busybody sometimes because of that.” Eichi’s warm hand ruffles Issei’s hair. “And, well. Us, in Quell, we’re like family by now! I want to look after you all.”

Issei probably shouldn’t. But he can’t stop himself from blurting out, “Even Shu?”

Eichi makes a sort of face at this. It’s not a bad expression, and if anything, Eichi looks _happy_. But there’s more, and Issei can’t quite put a name to what exactly Eichi is expressing right now, and he further can’t explain why it tugs at his heart so much.

“Of course.” His cheeks are pinker, if Issei’s eyes aren’t playing tricks on him; the lights are dim, so it’s hard to tell. “Even Shu needs support, you know? Or maybe it’s _because_ he’s Shu that he needs all the support he can get.”

There must be evident confusion in his face because Eichi looks at Issei, laughs nervously, and runs a hand through his hair.

“Shu… Shu brought us together, and he’s our leader and all, right?” He pauses, eyes tracing memories as he stares out the window. “ _And_ he’s really grown-up and mature, and honestly, I still forget that we’re the same age sometimes.” He looks at Issei, and _‘ah’_ s at the evident surprise on his face. “I’m guessing you forgot, too. I know how you feel.” He chuckles. “But anyways: he has that side to him, and that’s the side most everyone sees. But we’ve been friends for a long time now, so I know that’s there’s more to him than that. For example, he can be really forgetful! And space out when he’s really absorbed in something.”

Issei nods, remembering the several pens he’s seen Shu ruin. “Like putting his pen in his coffee cup.”

Eichi claps, nodding frantically. “Right! Like that! And remember when we thought he was seriously in thought over something, but he’d actually fallen asleep sitting up? Because he’d stayed up until dawn composing! And his excuse: ‘I just got so caught up in my ideas’, for goodness’ sake. I wonder if this is a composers’ thing?”

Issei nods in response. “And when he got asked those questions on that variety show, and you had to step in to cover him because he forgot part of the question.”

“Right! That, too!” Eichi laughs. “See? Even someone as well put-together as Shu has his moments. Don’t get me wrong, Shu is very good at being presentable from his many years of experience, but.” He pauses, rubbing the back of his neck again. “I know there are unique pressures he feels from taking on this role of leader and producer, and it strains him. It’s hard to bear all that on your own, especially fresh after the heels of his previous group’s “indefinite hiatus”. People in this industry talk, you know? So I want to be there for him, and be his support, because...”

Issei cocks his head, torn between not wanting to hear, but wanting to hear.

“...He’s been there for me, for sure.”

Ah.

Eichi makes an embarrassed smile as he scratches his cheek. “I don’t know if you’ve heard this before, but when we first met I was just starting out in this industry. As an assistant to the assistant to the assistant director--well, basically, when I was at the bottom, I had a hard time getting used to working with all these new people, some of them real big-shots! There were a lot of societal things I had to learn on the fly, and I was a bit slow on the uptake... I’d never really worked in formal environments where manners were _that_ important, you know?” He goes on, lost in thought as he fiddles with the cuffs of his sweater. “Shu really helped me out back then: he taught me a lot about working in the industry, and how to deal with seniors, juniors, _all_ sorts of people. And that was on top of being a loyal friend! I was just a nobody assistant, he was a member of a nationally-beloved idol unit, but he took the time to be my friend...” He scratches his cheek, and soon his face scrunches up in embarrassment. “Ahh, I’m so embarrassed remembering all the mistakes I made--honestly, what would I have done without him?”

“Shu saved you, too.” The statement slips out from Issei before he realizes. But Eichi doesn’t question it, only meets Issei’s eyes to nod in response.

“Yeah.” Eichi clasps his hands together, quietly beaming with memories. “He did.”

That same puzzling expression appears again on Eichi’s face, and Issei thinks, he might understand it better now.

“We’re the same.”

Whether Eichi understands Issei’s undertones or not he doesn’t show it--instead he just hums, pats Issei’s head, and nods. “Yeah, we might be.”

 

\--------

 

“Issei?”

“Ah.” Issei turns to the voice. “Rikka-san, nice work today.”

“Thanks.” Rikka smiles and nods at Issei as he steps out of the studio. “You’re scheduled to record today, right?”

Issei gets up from the bench, straightening his posture. “Yeah. Shu said he’d be here soon, and to wait for him here.”

“Hmm, I see!” Rikka takes a seat next to him, and motions Issei to sit with him. “I’m pretty sure he’s going to run into Shiki on the way in, so it’ll be a while before they arrive--might as well make yourself comfortable.”

Issei obediently sits, setting himself down softly to not jostle the bench. “How do you know that?”

“Well, it’s just a hunch. But Shiki must have noticed you on the schedule roster, and figured Shu would be coming in today--he probably thought he could grab Shu to discuss a few things beforehand, instead of relying on emails. Frankly, he’s terrible over the phone, and his texts are always strange, so he grabs people in person whenever he can.”

“...Huh.”

“Knowing those two, it’ll probably be a while, too... I’m not sure about Shu, but when Shiki gets ahold of an idea, he doesn’t stop until something else stops him.”

Issei nods. “Shu, too.”

“Ah, does he also stay up for several days on end and drink a lot of coffee and mutter to himself a lot?”

Issei isn’t sure whether this is a trick question--but he can’t figure out a good way to answer. “Not that far,” he answers, settling on honesty. He pauses then, remembering unexpected naps and forgotten phones. “I think.”

“I guess that’s just our Shiki, then,” Rikka laughs. “Anyways, how’s your solo coming along? We’re buddies on this release, right?”

“...”

“Hm?”

Issei’s brows furrow, as he tries to come up with the right words. “I… I‘m not sure.” He really isn’t--most of the sessions so far, after that first one, are a blur. And he can’t admit that at the center of those whirlwind sessions is how painfully aware he is of Shu. Instead he settles on, “We started going over the vocal part of the song recently, and I don’t think I’m used to it yet.”

It’s true--the switch from being a band member to vocalist is still fresh, the vague, hollow discomfort something like being plucked up when he was just starting to take root. Here he’s alone in the recording booth, no heavy reassurance of the guitar anchoring him, no band members surrounding him with their warmth. And the song he thought he knew has turned away from him, facing him with a different, unfamiliar mask instead. Worst of all, Shu is there looking at him the entire time, and there are no band members, no Quell members, no Ichiru to lean on. He’s given Issei words to sing, but try as he might, they come out of his mouth as detached syllables and not the fluid language or music they should be.

“I see…” Rikka eyes him; not unkindly, but pensive. “Well, I’m sure you’ll get it with time! After all, you’re just starting out, right? There’s still time, and regular practice makes a huge difference.” He pauses, bringing a hand to his face as he laughs nervously. “Ah, sorry, I hope I’m not being a busybody.”

Issei shakes his head. “Not at all.” A thought occurs to him then, and he reaches out, tentatively. “Rikka-san, do you mind if I ask you something?”

Rikka smooths his hair neatly away from his face. “Of course! If there’s any way I can help, I’d be glad to.”

“How do you know when you’re in love?”

Rikka chose a bad time to reach for his thermos--as Issei’s question hits he fumbles with it, nearly dropping it on the ground. Fortunately he catches it by the handle, barely, and laughs nervously again as he grasps it tightly and shoves it back into his tote. “T-that’s, well. That’s an interesting question to ask suddenly, Issei!”

“I heard bits of your solo earlier, you sing about it a lot.” Issei presses on. “So, what’s ‘love’?”

Rikka blinks slowly. “Ah, well, I suppose…” He stops, looking at Issei with something like realization dawning on his face--Issei hopes he hasn’t really understood the meaning behind his question. “Are you having difficulty with understanding your solo? Maybe lyrically, or expressively, or something like that?”

It’s not the entire truth, but Issei will take it. “Something like that.”

Rikka makes a soft _ah_ , and his gaze at Issei softens. “You know, I had a lot of trouble with my previous solo, for somewhat similar reasons: I wasn’t able to convey the atmosphere of the song, because I didn’t understand the feelings expressed in the song’s lyrics. Only _after_ realizing those feelings did I manage to really perform it.” He cocks his head. “Though, really, Shiki’s lyrics are always a bit… well.” He flushes faintly, closing his eyes and sighing. “A little much, at times.”

Issei flashes back to Shu _and_ Eichi’s refusal to let him and Ichiru listen to the first, unedited version of ‘KARA DA KARA’. “I think I know what you mean.”

Rikka chuckles softly. “Anyways, I think that it’s okay to not understand the song at first--you won’t always get pieces that fit you from the beginning. And I think as artists, it’s up to us to shape it into something that reflects our own color, and bring our own perspective into it. So even though you may not understand this song now, you can come to make it your own!” He leans back, sighing. “Though, I suppose I can’t talk. In my case, I got lucky in that something happened to help me understand.”

Rikka’s doing his best to be helpful--Issei can see that. And in a way, it is, but in a way, it isn’t. But for some reason he keeps asking. “What was that lucky something?”

Rikka’s flush deepens immediately, and he hides half his face in his hand. “Issei… you sure are direct.” He smiles weakly through his flush, fighting to keep his face calm. “I, erm. Realized I was in love with someone. And thinking about that person helped me a lot.” He pauses, looking at Issei. Issei just stares back--that can’t be all of it. Rikka ducks away from his stare, delicately checking his nails instead. “And, hmm, what else?”

“Why was it lucky?”

“Lucky?” He laughs. “Oh, I did say that, didn’t I.” He winds a stray lock of hair around a finger. “It was the timing of it all, I suppose, because it happened at a good time to help me record my solo. Though, on the other hand, I guess you could say my solo prompted those emotions to come out. And,” He smiles, and Issei suddenly recognizes it as the look Eichi had, the one he couldn’t quite put a name to. “I suppose I’m also lucky in who I fell in love with.”

“How,” he starts, then pauses. He’s asking too much. It’s probably obvious by now--but he wants to know. “How did you know you were in love?”

Rikka eyes him curiously: Issei shrinks back a little, hoping he hasn’t revealed too much in his eagerness to ask questions. Fortunately, he lets it go. “Hmm, I don’t know if my answer will apply to you--I think love is a different experience for everyone, and there are different kinds, too.” Rikka leans back, eyes lost in the air at memories visible only to him. “And to be honest, I didn’t realize it for a very long time--I was probably in love for a while, but it took something as silly as wanting to be the only one who gets to see all their different, hidden sides to make me realize it.”

Issei thinks back to Shu’s smiles, looks, little actions--all the different signals unique to Shu he’s come to recognize. The bubbling feeling in his chest when recognizing a rare, genuine look from Shu, the little flutter of his heart as he’d file away another entry in his private encyclopedia, secret in his mind. The swell of pride at the growing collection, and at the accomplishment of recognizing the changes in Shu’s state by reading the subtle unspoken language.

The pang he felt in his chest when he saw a side of him he didn’t know. Further realizing it was one he never _would_ have seen, if not for chance. Realizing, then, that there was a divide separating Issei from Shu that could never be crossed, not when the one across from him has already joined hands with someone else. It’s a divide built by the difference between how Issei cares for Shu and how Shu cares for him, and how Shu cares for Eichi and Eichi, too, cares for Shu.

It feels like the last piece of a puzzle has slid into place, and the revealed picture is something Issei isn’t sure he wanted to know.

He shakes his head, trying to push the budding realizations away while he can. He latches onto another topic, to keep himself from sinking into this whirl of thoughts. “Rikka-san, you’re very romantic.”

“H-huh?” Rikka starts a little in his seat. “Do I seem that way?”

Issei nods. “At least, from your songs.”

”Right. My songs.” He shifts in his seat, trying to keep his face calm. “Shiki really does have particular tastes, doesn’t he…”

“I don’t think it’s bad. I can see why Shiki-san writes them for you.” He remembers something, and adds, “your Yokohama date segment, too.”

Rikka lets out a nervous laugh. “That’s very, er, nice of you to say so, Issei.” He mutters something, then, and Issei vaguely hears the word “kill” muttered in conjunction with “Shiki” and “Tsubasa”.

Fortunately, Issei and Rikka are both saved by steps coming down the corridor.

“Rikka,” a new voice calls out from down the hallway, echoing steps getting louder and louder. “I ran into Shiki downstairs, and he sent me to pick you up.”

“Dai!”

Dai nods at Rikka, then notices Issei. “Oh.”

“...Hello.” Issei replies, standing and ducking his head in polite courtesy; he hasn’t seen Dai around much, especially in comparison to the other SolidS members.

Dai nods at him, too. “Hey.”

Rikka gathers his things and stands to join Dai. “If he sent you, I’m guessing he’s well and distracted--that’s Shiki for you. Anyways, where are we off to next?”

Dai thumbs through his phone. “We have a radio session next, and then it’s practice for a mini-live back at the studio.”

Rikka leans over Dai’s arm to peer at his screen. “Hmm, not too bad. I think we might even have time to grab coffee on the way.” Rikka turns back to Issei, waving as Dai already starts walking. “I’ll see you around, Issei, good luck with your solo! If you want to discuss it, or anything, you know where to find me.” He walks away for a bit, then throws back as an afterthought: “We’ll be sure to rescue Shu for you, hang tight!”

As he turns away to join Dai Rikka subtly links their arms together to take Dai’s hand in the folds of his coat. Their faces meet, and even down the hallway he can see their faces are direct mirrors of the smiles Shu and Eichi had for each other. Rikka’s voice echoes, singing: _I first realized love, in someone else’s arms_. 

He sits back and waits for Shu, hoping he won’t come.

 

\--------

 

Sure enough, Shu comes running down the hallway a few minutes later. Issei wasn’t sure what Rikka meant about “rescuing”, but the smudges of ink on his writing hand and the hastily scribbled notes crammed in his folio give him an idea, more or less.

“Sorry, Issei; Shiki caught me as I was coming in, and,” he gestures to his folio. “Things got a bit out of hand.”

Issei shakes his head at the ground. “It’s okay, Rikka-san let me know.”

Shu hums in amusement. “That’s Rikka for you--he catches on quick.” He opens the studio door. “Ready, Issei?”

* * *

They go over the song a few times, Issei in the booth with Shu at the console; and each playback makes it clearer that Issei still hasn’t grasped the song. Rhythm, pitch, lyrics, dynamics, expression--It’s hard to keep track of everything that goes into singing a song, and even as he desperately clings to at least getting the notes right to concentrate away the emotions he can’t release, he knows he’s not achieving anything. But he can’t stop holding it in, not now, not in front of Shu.

Just as he thinks this the music comes to an abrupt halt, and Issei is suddenly left in a vacuum, without anything to focus on. “Issei,” Shu’s voice comes on over the system. “Let’s take a break.”

Issei reluctantly slips off the headphones as Shu gets up, and through the glass he counts the steps it takes for him to step into the booth. It isn’t nearly enough, of course, not enough for Issei to have time to prepare himself. No studio would be big enough, anyway, and it’s not like he could, at all--how do you prepare for something when you can’t bring yourself to understand it?

The door clicks open, finally, and Shu steps in. His heart jumps in time with the sound of the door closing behind him, and freezes in the stillness they’re now locked in.

Shu looks at him with concern. “Is something wrong?”

Issei had this coming--Shu may be absent-minded sometimes, but he isn’t stupid. And Issei doubts he could successfully fool Shu.

Instead, he gambles on part of the truth, like with Rikka. “To be honest, I don’t understand this song.”

Shu leans against the door, observing Issei. “Don’t understand?” The gaze weighs on him, but Issei tries not to move. Shu is perceptive when given a problem to solve, and any little action might betray him.

He stares at the heavy headphones still in his hands. “Shu… your songs are always really pretty, and amazing--really, they’re not like anything we’ve ever heard before. And I like singing your songs. But,” he breathes, fighting to keep his voice from shaking--his eyes focus on a little screw in a part of the headset. “I don’t understand your words this time.”

Shu shifts. “Understand, huh…?”

Issei grips the headphones tighter--the foam yields easily under his fingertips. “I’m trying, really. But… but nothing makes sense to me, I can’t figure anything out.” He can feel Shu’s gaze on him, but he doesn’t dare look up. “Maybe I’m just not smart enough to understand you.” He hates how his voice shakes at the end, but hates more that he’s hiding behind this--he’s pinning the blame on Shu, in this moment of weakness in which he’s grasping at straws, grasping for _anything_ to deflect the real issue.

Maybe he expected Shu to be sympathetic, maybe he expected some warm words of comfort and a proper answer from him. Because it’s Shu--he knows everything, he always has the right answers. What he didn’t expect is silence, a long, heavy, uncomfortable silence that stretches between them until Issei feels like something will snap. It might be him.

Fortunately--or not, considering what comes next--Shu raises his voice first. “Why don’t we call it quits for now, then?”

“Huh?” The surprise escapes Issei’s mouth, and in shock he lifts his head to look at Shu. The expression waiting for him is like a slap to Issei’s face--Shu is looking back at him, a sort of sad smile on his face. Another new expression--but Issei doesn’t want to save this, and especially doesn’t want to be the cause of such a pained look.

No. He never meant to make Shu have this kind of expression. “Shu, I--”

“--Maybe forcing ourselves through this isn’t the solution.” He brings a hand to his lips, brows furrowing in thought. “I may have been wrong.”

Issei doesn’t want this. He doesn’t want to quit, he wants to succeed on this solo. He doesn’t want to let down the expectations Shu had for him. Most of all, he doesn’t want to make _Shu_ quit. “Wait, Shu, I--”

“--Sorry, Issei, I should’ve put more thought into this. I think we need to pause and consider this project carefully.” He stands up, straightening his posture again. “Why don’t we head back early today?” He smiles at Issei. It was probably meant to be comforting--right now, though, it just stabs at him.

 

\--------

 

His door opens with a soft click--it’s quieter than usual, but it must be Ichiru.  


_(“Huh…” Eichi taps his chin, once upon a time, standing in his doorway. “I just realized this, but. Issei, Icchi, you knock on any other door before entering, but you don’t knock on each other’s.”_

_Ichiru scoffs. “Why would we?”_

_Issei nods along. “There’s no point.”)_

  
Issei turns away from his window to face Ichiru, holding a small tray--he looks worried, and the concern he sees on Ichiru’s face soon reflects in his own. “Ichiru, are you okay?”

“Forget about me, I’m _fine_ ,” Ichiru replies emphatically--maybe a bit too emphatic, and Issei can hear the slight shake Ichiru makes when he’s trying to be strong. “More like, Issei, I want to ask you that!” He sets the tray down with a careless clatter, drops of tea splashing out. “What’s wrong?” _‘And why won’t you tell me?’_ goes unsaid yet understood, loud and clear in the silence between them, and this uncomfortable confusion persists in the undercurrents of the concern emanating from Ichiru.

“...Sorry.” He is, for a lot of things. Mostly for making Ichiru worry like this--Ichiru should always be smiling. He stares down at his hands in his lap.

Ichiru’s hands soon overlap his. “Forget about that, you don’t need to apologize for anything.” He clutches Issei’s hands. “Can’t you tell me what’s wrong, instead? You’ve been cooped up for a while now--you even missed your scheduled studio sessions.” He nods to the tray. “Are you hungry? Do you want something to eat?”

Issei shakes his head. “I’m fine, thanks.” When Ichiru keeps looking at him with that face, he tries to reassure him. “I’ll eat it later, I promise.”

Silence stretches between them. “You know…” Ichiru starts, then clamps his mouth again.

It’s rare to see Ichiru at a loss for words--this emptiness, this vacuum between them, it tugs at Issei. At them both.

Ichiru finally clears his throat and reaches out again, words halting and unsure. “When… when you came back that night, looking like that, I.” His grip on Issei’s hands tighten. “I was really shocked. And even Shu looked like that… so, um.” He looks up at Issei, brows knitted. ‘“What happened?” He breaks away, looking down again. “Things are kinda awkward between you two.”

Issei shakes his head. “It’s not his fault.”

“Then, what’s wrong?”

Issei looks away--he doesn’t know how to put into words the thoughts that have been running through his head since last night.

Ichiru doesn’t wait, though. “Did he do something to you?” Ichiru bolts up, fire in his eyes. “If he did, I don’t care who he is, I swear I’ll--”

“--Ichiru!” Issei’s hand clings to Ichiru’s arm, eyes begging him to stop. “It’s not his fault,” he whispers, shaking his head. “It’s mine.”

Seconds tick by, as Ichiru stares at Issei, his hand on his arm, and back at Issei. “Huh?”

“It’s me,” Issei whispers out. “I’m the one who’s wrong.” Every word hurts to admit, but he can’t stop now. “I can’t get the solo right, and,” he stifles a lump in his throat. “I can’t understand anything. I can’t face Shu anymore.”

He curls into himself, burying his face in his arms; Issei knows exactly what kind of face Ichiru is making, and he doesn’t want to look. First Shu, now Ichiru--he keeps making them make sad faces, even though they should always be smiling.

Ichiru says nothing--instead, the bed springs groan as his weight settles next to Issei, shoulder to shoulder. He can feel Ichiru’s warmth pressing next to him, and Ichiru’s head leans on Issei’s shoulder as his hand wraps itself around his own.

A minute, or five, later--who knows--Ichiru speaks up. “Let’s get out of here, then.”

Issei whips his head up at Ichiru, eyes wide in plain shock.

Ichiru shrugs, like he’d just suggested they go for a walk in the park. “Let’s escape again, the two of us.” His voice is light, but Issei can hear the strain in it to stay casual. “We don’t need anyone but each other, right? We’ve always lived like that, and we can live like that again.” He smiles, all bravado and thin hope. His eyes tell a different story.

Issei loves Ichiru’s smiles. Ichiru, his twin, his other half--he should always smile, he should always be happy. And ever since they’d started this new life, Ichiru smiles so much more: smiling in joy at the simple pleasure of saying ‘I’m home’, in bashful gratitude at people who celebrate their birthdays, in accomplishment at overcoming difficult challenges. Silly smiles for no reason, aimed at Issei just because. Proud smiles at Shu complimenting him. Boisterous laughter at Eichi’s antics.

“You love it here, Ichiru.”

Ichiru shifts. “I mean, I guess, maybe… No! I don’t.” His grip on Issei’s hand gets tighter. “And if it’s for you, Issei? I can do it. Let’s run away from this, I don’t like seeing all this stuff make you sad. Nothing else matters.”

The best part about Ichiru’s smiles lately is that they’re all real, all stemming from Ichiru’s heart. But _this_ smile, that Ichiru is wearing now: it’s not the way Issei wants him to smile. He won’t let him. He can’t.

He unfolds himself from his cocoon, turning to face Ichiru properly. “No,” he shakes his head, “They do matter. They make you happy, and--”

“--Issei--”

“--And I love it here, too.” He squeezes Ichiru’s hand. “You smile a lot here.” He looks around the room, passing by books, clothes, scribbled sheets of music lessons, photographs--his eyes land on the guitar, silently waiting. Asking.

He nods to himself. Just like Ichiru would do anything for Issei, he would also do anything for Ichiru. And that includes staying here, where he can see Ichiru smile.

He has to overcome this.

 

\--------

 

“So.”

Issei blinks.

Shu sits in front of him--except it’s not really Shu, and they’re not really having this conversation. He looks around: the sky stretches pale and bright above them, filled with clouds and the occasional hint of blue peeking through. Sky and water stretch on endlessly above and around them, with nothing else in sight but Shu, sitting in front of him.

“So,” Issei echoes, still blinking.

The not-Shu smiles. “This is quite the conundrum, isn’t it.”

This not-Shu knows everything, he realizes. But of course he does, this is all in Issei’s mind. So he nods, with the added comforting relief that he doesn’t have to explain himself. “It is.”

“What are you going to do?”

He shrugs. “What is there to do?”

“You could leave. Like Ichiru said.”

He shakes his head. “No, we couldn’t.”

Not-Shu quirks an eyebrow up. “Did you really consider leaving?”

“We could never. Ichiru got caught up in the moment, that’s all. And,” he adds, “we both like it here.”

“Why?”

“Because… Because here, we have a home. And things to do.” He pauses, thinking. “And Ichiru is happy here, so I’m happy, too.”

Shu puts a finger to his lips, brows furrowing as if to question, “is that really all of it?”

Issei squirms in his own seat. He knows none of this is real, but it’s unsettling to let all this out to Shu’s face. “And there’s Eichi. And--and you.”

A soft smile graces his lips. “You love me.”

Issei knew this, but it’s the first time it’s been said out loud--it hits its mark, and he can’t stop himself from flushing. “I do,” he nods.

“So, what are you going to do?”

“Nothing.”

“Why?” His voice is as gentle as Issei remembers, no malice or ill will behind it.

“Because Shu, you love Eichi. And,” Eichi’s face flits across Issei’s memory. “He loves you just as much.” He pauses, all too aware of Shu and Eichi’s affection for them both. “And I owe you both so much.”

Shu’s head tilts, as if to urge him on. “So you’re giving up?”

Issei shakes his head. “It’s a little different, I think.” He fidgets with his hands in his lap. “I want the people I love to smile, and.” He thinks back to warm mornings around the table. “You make each other happy, anyone can see that. I care about that happiness. You smile brightest when you’re with each other, and I want the best for you.” He goes on, words coming surprisingly easily from within--maybe it’s because it’s a dream, maybe it’s because Shu both is and isn’t across from him, maybe it’s relief at finally admitting what he was bottling inside. “I wanted to be important to you, just like you’re important to me, but.” His voice shakes, but the Shu across from him makes no show of noticing it. “You have someone who’s even more important to you, more than I can know or imagine. I can’t take that away from you.”

Shu smiles, a slightly sad, apologetic smile. “It’ll be hard, you know. To give up like that.”

* * *

A jab at Issei’s side wakes him up, and his eyes fly open to pitch black darkness, punctuated by points of light from the dim street lights outside. He turns to see Ichiru, curled up next to him--his elbow is at Issei’s side, the culprit behind his sudden awakening.

Ichiru.

The weak light from his window illuminates him, highlighting the slight movement of his lips as he breathes, the slight twitches of his eyelids as he sleeps.

_“It’ll be hard, to give up like that.”_

His voice echoes as Issei watches Ichiru sleep, peaceful and at home in his room--in their dorm, their home.

 _I know,_ he replies: to the not-Shu, to himself, to Ichiru. _It’ll be hard, but it’ll be worth it._

He nestles in close to Ichiru, taking his hand--his warmth anchors Issei, and he lets himself drift back to sleep with the comfort of knowing he’s there.

 

\--------

 

“Issei!” Eichi practically bounces to him when he shuffles over to the kitchen table the next morning. “Are you okay? Are you hungry? I had Icchi take you something last night, but--anyways, ahh, here, have a seat! I’ll make you something--”

“--Eichi,” Issei interrupts--Eichi stops in his tracks, and Issei can see worry written plainly on his face. Ah, even Eichi--he’s put a lot of people through so much. He steps forward and hugs him, burying his face in his chest. The familiar smell of soap fills his nose. “Sorry to make you worry. I’m okay now.” He steps back, letting him go. “Really.”

Ichiru follows him in. “Eichi, what’s for breakfast--whoa?!” He steps back, shocked. “Eichi? Are you _crying_?”

Eichi quickly hides his face in his sleeve. “No! Not at all, really! I was just. Just a little worried, and surprised!” He shakes it away, then smiles. “I’m just glad Issei is back with us!”

Issei looks up at Eichi. “You’re not mad?”

“Huh?” Eichi looks genuinely surprised, and the surprise reflects onto Issei, too. “Not at all! I mean, you haven’t done anything you need to apologize for! I’m just glad you’re feeling better.” He runs a hand through his hair, trying not to be flustered. “I mean, I was really surprised when you came home like that, and it was the first time I’d ever seen you hole yourself up like that, even against Icchi.”

He winces. “Sorry, Ichiru.”

Ichiru shakes his head vigorously. “Don’t apologize--we’ve been over this already.”

Issei nods. “Yeah.” He turns to Eichi again. “Thanks, Eichi.”

“Huh?” Eichi starts, again. If the situation wasn’t what it was, Issei would think it was funny. “For what?”

For always caring about them. For helping make a place for them to come home to. For accepting him as he is, too. “For always being so nice,” he settles on.

“Oh my god. I need to sit down.” Eichi pulls out a chair and plops on it, putting a hand to his forehead. “Issei is being so warm today, help, am I dreaming? Am I dead? Is this heaven?”

“Huh? Stop exaggerating, you’re not dead,” Ichiru snaps back. “And Issei is always nice, what are you talking about? Makes no sense.”

“Eichi? Ichiru? What’s going on?” The door opens and out comes Shu--Issei’s heart jumps to his throat at his voice, and it takes all his strength to not flee back into his room. He’s seeing him again too soon.

 _It’ll be hard,_ a voice whispers. He balls his fists in the hem of his shirt, and turns to face Shu as the others do.

Shu joins them at the table. “Good morning. What’s going on?”

“Shu, Shu!! Issei, he! He hugged me!”

Surprise, and a spark of something, alight in his eyes at Eichi’s announcement. He turns to Issei, who nods at him. “Issei?” He reaches out, then hesitates. He draws his arm back, settling his hands behind him instead. “Are you doing better this morning? If so, I’m glad.”

Issei nods imperceptibly at him. “I’m okay now.” He steps forward, closing the distance between them. “Sorry to have worried you.”

Shu shakes his head. “It’s fine--you have nothing to apologize for, Issei. I’m just glad you’re back here with us again.” He places a warm hand on Issei’s head, and Issei feels a pang of nostalgia at the touch. “Ah, that’s right, I did want to talk to you about something--”

Eichi cuts in, and pushes Shu and Issei over to the table. “Okay, okay, that’s enough standing around for now--why don’t we eat first? We have a radio show to do soon, we gotta get ready! Work can come after food!”

Issei lets Eichi seat him at the table--the four of them are sitting together again, Eichi and Ichiru are chattering away, and Shu is there, schedule and work documents at the ready. The morning light filters through the blinds, and all is warm again.

_It’ll be hard._

Issei looks at the scene. Ichiru calls for more helpings, mouth full, as Eichi chides him on chewing and eating slowly all the while refilling his plate. Shu makes careful notes along his planner as usual, and looks at the steaming mug Eichi brings him with a grateful smile. The affectionate looks that pass between them today are accompanied by relief, and Issei moves on, continuing to observe the scene through the steam of his mug.

_It’s worth it._

He sips his tea, accepting the new view.

 

\--------

 

“Okay, and that’s a wrap!”

“Nice work today, everyone!”

Issei ducks his head in a quick bow as everyone else does the same--the staff all spring into action, cleaning up and scribbling away on clipboards as they step away from the mics and move out of the recording room.

“Phew, that’s over with.” Ichiru rolls his neck and stretches once they’re outside, and Issei finally releases a yawn that had been building up.

Eichi chuckles at that. “Nice job today, Icchi, you really kept the radio going with your spirit!”

“Well, thanks and all, but.” Ichiru shoots back at Eichi. “The MC was really good, so it wasn’t really all me.”

Shu nods. “You’re learning to recognize things like that--Ichiru, you’ve come a long way, well done.”

Ichiru shrugs. “Well, I guess. We’ve done this a bunch of times now, and all. And credit should go where it’s due.”

Eichi prods his cheek. “You don’t have to hide it, I know you’re happy about the compliment.” He smiles at Issei. “Right, Issei?”

Issei nods. “Ichiru, you look happy.”

“Huh?!” Ichiru wheels around, faintly pink. “N-not really!”

Shu laughs, then gets out his phone. “I’m glad you’re having fun, but now we have to consider our next job. We have an interview coming up at--oh hold on, let me get this.”

He quickly ducks off to the side of the hallway as his phone rings, and after numerous “yes”es and “I see”s, he hangs up and is back.

“Shu, did something happen?”

Shu sighs and smiles halfheartedly. “There was a mix-up, and our interview collided with another group’s--since they have seniority, the President has agreed to let them go first, and pushed ours back to 7:30.”

“Huh? What the hell?”

Eichi pulls Ichiru back. “Okay, okay, let’s calm down--these things happen, no big deal! And we don’t have anything else scheduled in our day today, so it’s natural for us to let them go first.”

Shu gives Eichi an apologetic smile. “Sorry, Eichi. Thanks.” He looks at his phone. “It’s almost 4 now, and the interview’s in this same area, so we could just stay around here.”

Ichiru plops down on a nearby bench. “Tch. Boring.”

Issei sits next to Ichiru. “It’s fine, I don’t mind.”

Eichi sits down, too, next to Ichiru. “Well, maybe we could play _shiritori_?”

Ichiru immediately shoots back. “No thanks.”

“Hm? Really?” Shu rubs his chin, lost in thought. He plops down, too, next to Issei.

They sit like that for a while, the four of them on the uncomfortable hallway bench. Issei is about to fall asleep, when suddenly, Eichi starts singing.

“We only haaave three houuuurs~ But what do you think? About going to the beeeeach?” He laughs, bashful after the silence that meets it. “Haha, something like that… I guess?”

“Haha!” Shu starts laughing, and Issei can feel the tremors from where Shu sits next to him. Shu looks over at Eichi, above the twins’ heads. “The way you come up with crazy ideas like that, I really do love that part about youuuu...” His low vibrato fills the air where Eichi’s voice had just been, and they burst into laughter at each other.

“Oh my god, you guys are so embarrassing,” Ichiru kicks in the air between them, ears faintly pink.

“Bu-ut!” Issei reaches high, with his voice, and tries not to get too self-conscious at the eyes that suddenly turn to look at him. “I don’t have swim trunks or anythiiing, would it be okaaaay?” He sends his voice to reach high, wanting to extend the pleasant atmosphere Eichi started. When everyone stays silent, he whispers, “was it no good?”

Eichi breaks into a wide grin, the kind where Issei can imagine flowers bouncing off of him. He and Shu both crowd him, mirroring similarly silly, stretched smiles. “No, no! That was great!”

Shu is beaming, too. “You’re learning to improvise now, that’s great!”

Ichiru squirms between everyone, breaking free. “Well then, if Issei’s gonna do it, too, then I guess I’ll join in.” He clears his throat, and lets his voice fly. “Forget abooout that kinda stuff, we don’t have much time, so let’s hurry--! And goooo!!” As his last high note extends, Shu whistles as Eichi and Issei both clap.

“Nice, Icchi! Your high notes are always so clear!”

Shu nods. “I don’t know why I ever considered lowering the chorus on your solo.”

Ichiru grins, and turns to Issei--Issei nods his approval. “That was cool, Ichiru.”

Ichiru pumps a fist in the air. “Yes!” He jumps up, turning to the other three. “Okay, so let’s get going already!”

Eichi starts. “Huh? Wait, really?”

“What, you weren’t serious?”

Eichi laughs nervously, scratching his head. “I mean, I was kinda half-joking, I guess? The beach would be fun, but also, we do only have three hours… Shu? Don’t look at me like that.”

Shu is smiling, with a glint in his eyes that Issei suddenly recognizes. It’s the kind he had in his eyes in that expensive restaurant, and that dance studio--it signals Eichi’s coming defeat. “Well, considering the traffic at this time, it’d take around half an hour to drive to the nearest seaside park… which would be Odaiba, that sounds nice. And if we have three hours, we can easily spend at least a solid hour there, to account for parking and traffic and such.” He gets up. “Ichiru, do you want to go to the beach?”

Ichiru nods. “Let’s go for it!”

Issei stands up to join them. “Sounds good.”

Eichi sighs, but as he fishes for his keys a wide grin spreads across his face, betraying him to the others. “You guys... Honestly, what am I going to do with you three?”

\---

They make it in record time, even through the spot of heavy traffic as they pass the center of Tokyo to reach Odaiba--the drive has barely reached the thirty minute mark when Eichi pulls into the parking lot, and they can see Odaiba pier extending beyond the buildings and trees.

“Wahoo!” Ichiru jumps out of the car as Eichi barely finishes parking--he’s still pulling his keys out of the ignition when Ichiru is already out to the streets, skipping steps as he dashes down to the shore.

“Icchi! Be careful!” Ichiru just waves, already down by the shore. Eichi runs after him, and Shu and Issei follow them at their own pace. Eichi soon catches up with Ichiru and as he scoops him up, eliciting shrieks of laughter, Shu lets out a gentle chuckle. They walk slowly, staring out at the sun starting to dip into the horizon.

“Shu.” Issei stares at the two figures by the water, backlit by the setting sun. “Sorry. About what I said earlier, that I couldn’t understand your meaning.”

Shu slows, cocking his head at Issei. “What do you mean?”

Issei stuffs his hands in his jacket pockets. “I… It was an excuse. I didn’t mean to blame you for not understanding the song.”

A soft sigh comes from next to him. “No, it’s okay; I also probably could have done a better job of writing. I probably let my pride get to my head, when I should’ve stepped back and remembered who I was writing this song for. I’m sorry, too.” The apology, from _Shu_ of all people, comes out of nowhere--it momentarily blindsides him, and he barely manages out a “no, it’s okay” before they settle into an awkward silence.

Issei balls his fists in his jacket to steel himself, and turns to Shu. “About the solo… I think I’m ready to try again. And I won’t quit this time.”

Shu’s eyes briefly widen again in surprise, and the warm smile he gets in reply bolsters Issei. “I’m glad to hear that. And actually, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about this morning.” He stops, then, face serious. “I think you should write the lyrics. If you don’t mind, that is--I won’t force this on you, after all, I’d rather this be something you choose on your own.” The way Shu looks at him, eyes like water with the setting sun shining through them--it’s unfair, Issei thinks. But at the same time, it’s nice. It’s better than what he had in the studio.

“Okay,” he says. _For you,_ he thinks, at the hesitant hope in Shu’s eyes.

His heart wavers as he’s unexpectedly rewarded with a _new_ kind of expression from Shu. And as his eyes take in this overwhelmingly bright and, dare he say it, _grateful_ smile, a part of him thinks it’s terribly unfair for Shu to be this kind, and this caring--and for him to still be in love with that about him. But the other part celebrates the way Shu is smiling from the heart, and if he’s happy, that’s all that matters. _It’s worth it._

“Are you sure? It is more work to take on, I’ll admit.”

Issei nods once, firmly. “I’m sure.”

Shu reaches out a hand to Issei’s head, and it soon becomes a warm half-hug as Shu brings him in close. “Thank you.”

“For what?” Issei asks, muffled under Shu’s scarf.

Shu hums. “Oh, for a lot of things here and there.” His hand lands on Issei’s shoulder, and he gives it a soft squeeze. “But mostly, for not giving up on music.”

“Are you really okay with someone like me writing lyrics?”

“Okay? On the contrary, this might be what I wanted all along. I think that’s what was missing from the solo, too. The whole point of these solos were for you all to express yourselves, and here I was, getting carried away with what I thought would show you off the best. In the end, I lost sight of helping you express yourself. It’s why I think I should step back and have you write this time: I want you to grow comfortable in conveying something of your own.” He laughs. “It’s funny, my old group agreed to stop activities so we could each pursue our own things--yet here I was, prescribing things to my members.”

“I don’t think it’s the same thing; after all, we chose to follow you, and none of us were musicians to begin with. And you’re pretty good about asking us our opinions and getting us involved, too. I know you don’t mean to force things onto us.”

Shu shakes his head. “Well, I’m beat--you won’t believe me, but it's an immense relief to hear that from you.”

Issei’s eyes widen slightly at the sight. “Wow, Shu. I didn’t know you could get relieved... or, I guess, worried enough to feel relief.”

“Please, Issei,” he chuckles. “I’m only human.”

“Hm.” He looks at Shu, up and down. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Anyways, thank you--you helped me realize what I lost sight of.” He looks out at the horizon, where Eichi and Ichiru wave at them from afar. “And Issei?”

“Hm?”

“I look forward to what kind of song you’ll write.”

Issei smiles. “Thank you. I hope you like it.”

“He--y!!” Ichiru’s voice yells at them over the breeze, and he sees Eichi’s frantic waving by him. “Come on, already!”

When they join them Eichi has his phone out, snapping pictures of the sunset. “Ah! About time, you two. Come on now, gather ‘round!” He crowds against Issei’s side, and motions Ichiru to move. “Icchi, squish in more over there, you’re at the edge of the frame.”

“Huh?” Ichiru looks at the phone screen, and realization dawns. “Oh, I see.” Halfway to moving in, he stops and jams himself between Shu and Issei. “I wanna be next to Issei! Shu, move.” There’s a shuffling around of bodies, and Issei soon feels himself warmly snug between Ichiru and Eichi’s free arm.

“Okay, now everyone look at the phone--ready? One, two, cheese--!”

The shutter sound goes off, and soon they’re crowded around Eichi’s phone.

“Pfft, Eichi,” Ichiru snorts at the resulting photos. “Were you trying to wink or something? You’re blinking in like, all of these!”

“Huh? Am I?” Eichi scrolls through the gallery, and to his chagrin, Ichiru is right. “Ah, I thought I’d gotten it for sure this time!”

“Hah! What the heck, were you practicing or something?”

“Hm, a little--I mean, if we’re going to be idols, I might as well act the part, right?”

“I’m definitely going to tell everyone on our next radio show.”

“Ah, Icchi!” Eichi shakes Ichiru’s shoulders--playfully, if the way he’s laughing through it all is any indication.

Ichiru grabs Eichi’s phone and runs off with it, snapping himself, the horizon, and a flustered Eichi as he dodges Eichi’s chases. He’s smiling, they both are, and Issei doesn’t have to look up at Shu to know they share the same smiles.

“Thank you,” he whispers. It’s inaudible in the wind blowing in from the water.

 

_Thank you--for picking us up, for giving us a life, for showing us a future, and so much more. I promise to make the dreams you entrusted in us come true. I may not be much, yet, and I might stumble, but I’ll keep going--because you helped us, even though we had nothing to offer in turn._

_Please, be happy._

 

\--------------------

 

**omake: nemophila**

“Wait, Shu, are you serious?”

Shu laughs through Eichi’s surprise. “More or less.”

“More like, how did you remember all this?” Ichiru flips through the lyrics.

Issei plucks an earbud out of his ear. “He even remembered the melodies.”

“Shu,” Ichiru stares at him above the papers. “Are you actually a genius?”

Shu hums a new melody-- _their_ new melody. “Hmm, I wouldn’t go that far. I just want us to all have fun with this new song.”

Ichiru raises an eyebrow. “Having fun is great and all, but.” He gestures at the sheets. “Isn’t this a little _too_ fun?”

Shu gets that glint in his eye again, the one that Issei knows so well. “You can never have too much fun. And,” he adds, pulling out a notebook. “I was even thinking of having you all join in.”

**Author's Note:**

> i dont know how to explain this other than quell barged into my life, picked me up and threw me over their shoulders, and carried me off into the sunset and now im trapped in loving them fslkajdhf i need help, i love quell sf much how did this happen
> 
> sry basically hoshizora dropped and i bawled and my brain was like
> 
> brain: hey u kno whatd be cute  
> me: binch dont do it  
> brain: what if  
> me: no  
> brain: issei's first love  
> me: nO  
> brain: is shu  
> me:  
> brain: and hoshizora is his feelings to shu  
> me:  
> me:  
> me: *gently clenches fist* fuck
> 
> it was... quite the ordeal... shoutout to nemophila and the niji preview dropping and giving me the steam to keep going...
> 
> anyways if you got through this monstrosity (it is literally the longest thing ive ever written, who am i anymore) congrats, this is longer than necessary bc i cant stop myself from writing bad jokes and also im sorry, this started out fluffy and lighthearted and then got real heavy and then i had to bring in poor rikka to mother yet another child. oh and disclaimer: ive also only listened to their first drama cd and two of a kind, oops.


End file.
